Secrets and Sparks

"A woman's heart is a deep ocean of secrets." - Rose, in Titanic
Despite the fact that this was a seriously cheesy movie, I still remember seeing this movie in college, hearing that line and honestly believing that it wasn't really true. I also remember a few years later, when I discovered it was entirely true.

I was dating this guy. Let's call him the "medical student." Anyway, we'd been together for nearly a year, and I was bored. He was the nicest guy. He never argued with me. He always let me have whatever I wanted. There was no challenge -- or even the slightest difference of opinion. He treated me like gold, and I figured that was the best a girl could hope for. One day, we were on our way to get some lunch (I can recall exactly what street we were on and even the details of his car's interior -- '90's Ford Explorer - gray interior), and I was staring out the window thinking, "Wow, is this really it? You find a nice guy, who will always do right by you and that's it. No moron would throw that away, right? I wish there was a spark. Can I live a life without any spark?"

A few months later, I got my answer. The medical student and I were studying at my law school library one evening when I got up to check my email over at the computer lab. I was tired, still getting over walking pneumonia, trying not to panic over upcoming exams and looking absolutely wretched. After briefly checking my email, I made my way out of the lab. Out of the corner of my eye, I noticed one of my teaching assistant walking behind me. Let's call him "the TA." This was a guy who was really smart, but not someone I'd ever noticed as being particularly attractive, until, of course, I looked like hell and had no time to talk. He stopped me to ask how I was feeling and how my studies were going, and as we chatted I swear that sparks like lightning bugs on a summer night were everywhere.

Long story short (too late), I eventually got the courage to realize I could have a different, spark-filled life, and I broke up with the medical student. I could never fully explain to him why things weren't working out, except to say that it was complicated and I just needed more. Telling him I needed sparks like the ones I felt with the TA would have been cruel, and it was, until this post, one of my heart's ocean of secrets. Since then, my heart has accumulated many secrets, and they always remind me that I can dare to have a different life - one with lots of lightning bugs and one where someone treats me like gold.